extreme adventure travel america is basically the only time i dont feel like a walking to-do list, even if i come back smelling like swamp ass and bad decisions. im on my couch in flagstaff right now, leg up on a bag of freezer-burned tater tots cuz i tried “one more boulder hop” in the san juans and ate shit. shin looks like a moldy peach. the tots are hissing. whatever.
why extreme adventure travel america still has me by the throat
its the nothing, dude. like real nothing. no bars, no texts, just wind tryna yeet your tent into next week. first solo denali trip, march, -22°, packed two left gloves cuz im a rocket scientist. rei layering thing kept my fingers from falling off. northern lights that night were straight neon vomit from the gods. worth the frostbite? ask me when i can feel my toes again.
packing for extreme adventure travel america: the “i fucked up” edition
- bear spray: check. expired: 2018. grizzly used my tent as a nail file outside yellowstone
- uv water pen: brought it. charged it: nah. drank sierra creek water, hugged porcelain for 3 days
- beacon: left in truck “its only 8 miles” (it was 14 and i cried)
- coffee: folgers packets in my boots now. smells like feet, tastes like survival
getting lost in remote rugged usa cuz apps lie
phone dies, map turns to pulp, suddenly youre on an elk superhighway going in circles. did 14 miles of oops in bob marshall cuz alltrails said “easy.” gaia gps offline or bust. i sharpie waypoints on my arm now. looks dumb, works.
truck prep for extreme adventure travel america: RIP my tacoma
overlanding cool til youre stuck in nevada mud that smells like cat piss. ‘01 tacoma leans like it’s hungover from me winching it out with spite. tire tread under 6/32 = death. two spares. learned in death valley when both tires went pop-pop in 10 mins. ate cold ravioli, vultures did fly-bys.
animals in extreme adventure travel america: cute til they want your lunch
bears dramatic, moose are dicks. one charged me in glacier, ran uphill in crocs, faceplanted in moose shit. nps bear stuff read it drunk so you remember sober. no bacon in camp. ever.
weather being a drama queen in remote rugged usa
flash floods dont text first. slot canyon near page, sky went bruise color, water took my pack (and keys). climbed wall with cactus handholds, still got spines in my hand. noaa check it like a stalker.
brain stuff during extreme adventure travel america
day 4 solo, silence starts talking shit. named a tree karen, argued about taxes. hypothermia hallucinations wild—saw my ex on a cliff. if youre crying over a protein bar, gtfo.
broke-ass hacks for extreme adventure travel america
- thrift puffy: $15, smells like old spice and regret
- gas station taquitos > fancy meals
- freecampsites.net free dirt, good vibes
- split gas w reddit weirdos, avoid the bitcoin guy
ok im done typing
extreme adventure travel america will wreck you, drain you, maybe make you believe in something bigger than your inbox. legs purple, truck crooked, already refreshing yosemite permits. start small—car camp one night, wake up somewhere dumb. then tell me how you screwed up. ill be limping to the next dumb thing, coffee in one hand, bear spray in the other. go get stupid, yall.
